Sit Back Relax

Hihi everyone!

Well....

I dont really know why i came onto my blog.....

So i guess I'll just babble which i'm really good at doing.

Nonsense always comes out of my mouth so i apoligize to you all for having to put up with it and I thank you too.

I mean seriously you guys are amazing and i'm lucky to have you in my life

There's always some points in my life where i start to feel mysellf slip into my old depressed self and then that's when i get mad at myself for being so selfish.

What is there to be depressed about when i have a wonderful home, family, friends, an education, a fully working body, and i am totally spoiled.

I'm always afraid that people might think i'm ungrateful cause i complain a lot but it's a really bad habit of mine. And plus (especially around holidays) I get kinda scared and nervous when people give me stuff because i always feel so happy that i feel awkward and then i don't know how to express my thanks and it ends up coming out really....messed up sounding.

Like i'm ungrateful and don't really care but i do!

That's just the thing...I guess i am really bad at expressing my feelings

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I'm really sorry too that you guys have to put up with such an ungrateful sounding friend but i want you to know that i really am grateful!

So...sorry

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I hope you guys'll still put up with me.

But anyways....

I realized today that if i want to get along with my sister in anyway i have to completely stay away from her or else......murder is in the air.

We really have a hard time getting along.

I dont think it's a normal sibling rivalry either.

We're too different and i dont think there's much love between us.

We cant stand the sight of eachother for more than 30 minutes.

It's really ridiculous.

And i know it's really cruel of me but i guess i have a mean streak in me (that kinda scares me too...) but anyways....sometimes i think 'if only i was an only child' but i really don't know.

Would i be sad or happier as an only child?

I dont know but i always come away feeling guilty when i think that.

*sigh*

So...

I read a really great Beauty and the Beast fanfic on fanfiction.net called 'Take My Hand'

I really wish i could write as well as that...

You guys should go check it out...if you want to of course....

But I always wonder what my future is going to be like

Will I ever get better?

Will i be stuck in a boring job one where i sit at a desk all day doing paperwork and computer stuff?

Will my skills ever heighten?

Will i ever travel to all the places i want to?

What will the man i marrry be like?

Will we get divorced?

Will i drink alcohol?

There's so many questions that it makes my head spin

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But i always gotta say to myself

"Hey! Wake up and pay attention to what's happening right now. You've gotta enjoy what you have while you got it. Life doesnt go on forever so you gotta get the most out of it while you're still in it. You gotta sit back. relax and enjoy the ride. This doesn't happen twice. Live life to its fullest and do what you want. Live it the way you want to and be the person you want to be."

I've gotta stop thinking about what's behind me and whats in front of me and start focusing on whats right here.

Or else i really will start taking things for granted.

Cause I am a slefish being who is a slave to her own instnat gratification.

I't hurts to admit it but i dont think i'm the greatest person on earth.

I find myself to be lazy, irresponsible annoying ungrateful selfish hypocrytical...the list goes on

And the sad part is I try to make myself better but i always succumb to my bad habits again.

Meh....i guess that's just me.

I'm not totally happy with it but not disgusted either.

Let's call it.....

Liveable.

;)

Until next post.

A.Q.