~From the dusty pages of my(rarely shown)pessimistic side~

Hey Guys.
Sorry I haven't posted in a long while.....but I never made the promise to update every week or anything like that...I said I'd try though but I'm not doing a good job with that am I?
So, anyways...
I hope everyone is having an amazing fun-filled summer! My summer has been okay...the best thing about it is that my sister and I have been getting along surprisingly well this summer and I'd like to share (I know one person who's going to dance when she hears this and one friend at the least who will most likely groan when she reads this...) that I've taken interest in the ever popular Gilmore Girls. Yes. I said Gilmore Girls. You may dance and groan away now but I'm not saying that I love it. It tends to get tedious and boring at points and they always speak the same rushed words through the whole show. What keeps me watching is the fact that it brings me closer to my sister and the amazing drama that occurs once in awhile. I'm a huge fan a drama-you could say I'm an addict-I love when nothing goes the way someone wants it to-bring on the tears!-There's nothing like a good heartrending scene or heated argument--those are the kinda things that keep me interested--I'm such a sick person...
So, last Tuesday, I had a dentist appointment with a new dentist because our last dentist was crappy. Normally on Tuesdays we go with our Dad but lately we haven't. We seem to be seeing him less and less and I feel so overwhelmingly guilty that I actually enjoy not going. I feel so less stressed and I don't have to choke every time one of them pulls out a cigarette. I should be able to breath properly and feel comfortable around my own father. Me and my sister shouldn't be suffering just because he's too dumb to figure out that he's killing himself with every cigarette he puts in his mouth and afraid to actually quit smoking for his good health(or whats left of it...) and ours. He's our father he should be taking responsibility and straighten himself out and fix his messed up life that he's so conveniently thrown himself into. And through all this Dad bashing that I do I still love this man who is in no shape to be a father to me or even less my sister. I still love him through all his violent temper tantrums, blatant disregard of how his choices affect us and the rest of his family, him forcing religion onto us, and even through the screen of acrid smoke we have to get through just to hug him-I still love him. He has lost everything from me except my love but a relationship between a father and a daughter cannot live in just love. There has to be respect and loyalty and trust too-which he has yet to try to gain. I figure that I can handle this all pretty well(I think) but my sister doesn't need such a loser of a father in her life. She tends to be emotional and stubborn and has a temper too but she doesn't need a father that blows up at her because she blew up too. That's not parenthood. That's immaturity. I can't help feeling guilty every time I talk bad about my dad the first bad thing that leaves my mouth about him always seems to come attached to all the rest and at the end all I get is an empty feeling in my stomach and the pressure of guilt weighing down on my shoulders. Thank god for my broad shoulders, huh? :)
I also wanted to come here to talk about me. "Yes, in fact, the world does revolve around me."
Just kidding. I know for a fact that I'm one of the least likely people ever to have a world revolve around them. :) But that's just the thing. If you were to have a world revolve around you, you would have to have left a mark, done something that touched the hearts of millions. That is exactly what I want to do. I want people to remember me for something; not just friends and family who have an unconditional obligation not to forget me. I want strangers who know almost nothing about me to recognize my name or picture or what I did. I want people to say generations from now to say, "Oh I remember her..." they don't have to remember what I did or how I lived or who I really am, all I want is some recognition from them; no matter how empty it is. Because when you die, that's all. Poof. You're gone. There's no lingering living memory of you. You're dead and you're not coming back. People will grieve of course-they'll go to your funeral and cry and talk about all your good qualities and funny anecdotes from when you were younger and more rebellious...but then the next day people are back at work continuing on with their busy lives. You're past news. You were last weeks obituary now being used as packing material. You are no more and people eventually have to move on. No, you won't be totally gone but you'll be like an old photo album that gets pulled out once in awhile for airing or a laugh but those few people who read the obituary for "fun" would read yours and shake their head in empathy and whisper quietly to themselves "Poor man/woman..." before moving on to the other dozens of obituaries and yours will soon be forgotten by that stranger who reads dozens of obituaries a day. Death in this world seems so abrupt and final. The end of all ends. That's why I want to leave my mark on this world. So I can pass onto the next world easily. I want to touch the hearts of millions so that as I pass I can hope that one day in some distant land a world will revolve around me. I'm selfish but that's who I am. I want to be remembered.
Next topic I wanted to cover is once again about me but this is my blog so, rightfully, it should and can be about me.
No matter what I still believe in what I want. Everyone thinks my beliefs are ridiculous and far fetched. You can deny that and I thank you because I know you're just looking after me and don't want my feelings to get hurt. But this is what I believe in.
All my life I've believed in magic but not the kind that involves fairy dust or cauldrons and wands. I believe in pure magic. The magic of miracles the magic of imagination the magic of a kind deed done without thought of repayment or used as leverage. I believe there's magic. I believe that there are things that we ignorant humans know nothing of. I believe there are other worlds out there delicately connected to ours with a thinly spun portal. The kind that are so hard to get to if you're looking for it but you tend to drop into unexpectedly either when your life is going fantastically or when you're running out of options. I believe that there are beings out there that are out of the ordinary. Yes. I believe there are Faery folk who live right next door and can be a friendly coworker at your job. Or there are some that are there but we simply do not possess the power to see them or their world. They live in our walls and watch us cry alone in our rooms or watch us laugh together at the dinner table. They are there even if you don't know-even if you refuse to believe. But I believe-I believe in all the things that little children believe in-the kind of things that adults laugh at quietly and pat their kids' heads for. I believe stories in books are real. I believe that humans are not what keeps this world thriving but it's the unknown. It's the things going on behind the scenes that our people think are the cause of them and their powerful positions in the world of business and the food chain. But the fact is we are just another species on this planet there are others who are farther above us than we can ever hope to be. I believe in everything that seems impossible-everything that's thought of as fiction/fantasy/ridiculous. That's what I believe in. My beliefs are not easy on me either. There are times, so many times, that I think about how ridiculous I'm being. I wonder if I'm ever going to grow up and face reality but the problem is I don't know the difference between reality and unreality. There's a fine line between dreams and the waking world that I don't see and am in no rush to. Who even knows for certain if the state I'm typing this in is really just another dream world or if it's our actual world. Who knows if we even if we have one world or if we travel in our "dreams" to all the other nonsensical worlds where things always seem to make more sense than they do in this world. You may find me immature and childish with my belief in fairy tales and legends but that's just me. I do not choose to believe in this I just do. I believe that everything happens for a reason but the reason isn't always there. Around others who believe differently I will always remain quiet and deny everything I believe in but on my own, in my room, at peace, that's when i apologize quietly to no one in particular for not standing by my beliefs but I am not a strong person no matter what I or anyone else think. It's hard that wherever you go whoever you turn to you know in your heart that they truly do not believe and some even scorn what you believe and hold so dear. I'm not asking for pity points and I probably sound all "woe-is-me" but I will never ever stop believing in what I believe in. My life isn't hard-if anything I'm spoiled rotten-but my life is what I make it so it's mine to mend and mold too...even if it doesn't fit to others' standards or my ways of thinking seem ridiculously preachy and nonsensical they seem. I live my life the way I want-that's what I'd like to believe at least.

You know, usually I come away from my blog feeling relieved because I've gotten some stuff off my chest but this time I still feel heavy because I like to be liked and respected by my friends and family but now that I've shared all these stupid irrelevant thoughts I have no idea how to face the world or you. Everyone keeps their unkind thoughts hidden way deep inside of them and some rare people don't even have them. But most do including me which I sometimes share. But the biggest thing that gets me is when I know someone is hurt or mad or disgusted at/with me and they bury it deep down inside them and continue on as if they're fine. That's what hurts me. When someone who I've hurt in some way is still so kind as to not blow up at me or breakdown in in front of me because they don't want to hurt me. The fact that people can be so kind actually hurts sometimes. It's not a bad kind of hurt but it's not a good one either...I dunno...
I just keep rambling.
I feel weird now....
I'm gonna go take a shower-that'll make me feel better-either that or I'll go eat.
You know how I love food! ;)

Here's me hoping you all live your life the way you want!
I love you sincerely and with all my heart.
~ A.Q.