What I used to be...

I just found an old journal

It's from when i used to be depressed

My depression wasnt something i let show

At least i hope i didn't

I'm not proud of my depression

But I'm not ashamed of it either

Im a whole other person now

And that person is gone to me like a crush in kindergarten

So I decided to put an excerpt from my Depression Journal on my blog

Just to give an over view I guess you'd call it.....maybe.....

:)

I didnt put dates but heres one

In the notebook me and my friends write in I told them that only one day i was depressed. I wonder what reaction that will cause. Will they be able to see through my happy facade? I hope not. I dont want them to worry. I have the best disguise on that sometimes i fool even myself. But behind my seemingly cheerful eyes lies sadness pain and loneliness. Only my true love will be able to see my suffering.

-Jess

Yea so....

I think i was really lonely then and like most girls i just wanted someone to care about me a member of the opposite sex to be exact.

:)

I have another one that's a little longer...

Lately, I have been feeling very depressed and into dark things. I wonder if its just a phase or maybe im turning "Goth". I'm not even sure what that means. Maybe I'm just getting in touch with my dark side. That could strengthen me. i hope it wont smother me. I could just be going through depression where its forcing me to realize that there is no such thing as magic in this world. But i believe with all my heart that there must be more than this grey existence called life. Maybe I think that death is the only thing that will grant me eternal bliss. The darkness begins to wear down on my weary soul and perhaps that will be the end of me.....suicide.

Oh God I hope not! Suicide is for the desperate and I will...I must have the strength to carry on and prove to the world there is MAGIC!! I shall keep my eyes open, pay attention to dreams, and not think of explanations for wierd happenings. Even if it scares me, even if the only kind of magic is dark, EVEN if it hurts....i will do anything to have my hopes fulfilled and beautiful dreams come true.

Ummmmmm........

yeah...................

><

heres some really short entries from my journal....

The more days I live the more my hopes and dreams fade...replaced by problems and worries of the future.

It saddens me, as i cannot get the same joy out of regular things like i used to.

Uggh! I just thought of something that makes me shake, literaly. I have been guessing I would have to give something big up if my wishes were to be granted. So then i thought what if they asked me to give up my family to have my dreams come true.

I am still shaking.

Kay

I think that's enough

so yeah....

I'm not like that anymore and i dont want you to think that i am

Cuz I'm not!!

>:(

:)

Next post I'll give you the entry that changed me and my life

So until then

Luv you all

Your

never-going-to-be-depressed-again-friend

A.Q.